Everyone has their big flaw- the one thing that they struggle with. For me, my big flaw is trying to love my body.
Growing up, I endured a ton of bullying from both girls and guys. Girls would criticize my fashion choices, my hair, and my makeup. Boys would make fun of my glasses, my braces (back when I had them), and my outfits. I even had instances of people pretending to be my friend or crush, only to find out later that they were lying to me. That would then bring on more bullying about my looks, as well as others gossiping about me behind my back.
Between all that and my life-long struggle with my weight (which is a separate blog post in and of itself), my self-esteem and confidence have both been non-existent for years. How could I feel good about myself while everyone around me is bringing me down? I felt so small and so disgusted with myself.
All of that (aside from my weight) is in the past. Today, I have friends who don’t make fun of me behind my back, and I no longer have to worry about all the bullshit that comes with cliques and whatnot. But all of those memories of being bullied, taunted and teased for my appearance are as fresh as they were the day they happened. That’s why I’ve never been able to love myself or my body.
While I try to change myself for the better physically, the mental aspect has been a struggle. Friends, family, and acquaintances continue to insist that I’m beautiful, but I never believe it. It’s frustrating to me because I want to believe such compliments, yet I can’t bring myself to do so. Then those people who say these nice things get frustrated with ME because I can’t accept them as truth.
Are they lying to me? Are they merely trying to placate me? What terrible things do they say about me behind my back? Am I joke to them?
Those are just some of the questions that fly about in my head- and that’s merely the tip of this disgustingly negative iceberg.
More recently, I’ve been trying to think more positively about myself (even on days when I’d like to stay in bed, far away from the rest of the world). These are some of the things I’ve been doing to address this negative character trait of mine:
- Working out regularly
- Not beating myself up whenever I don’t eat well
- Distracting myself (listening to music/podcast, playing video games, reading, etc.)
Things have definitely improved, but I’d be lying if I said that I’m totally okay. There’s still a big part of me deep down that isn’t totally convinced that I’m beautiful and that I should love my body. But I’m trying my absolute best to fix this because, at the end of the day, I deserve to be happy. I deserve to love myself and my body- even if I’m not where I’m at health-wise.
Whether you need to hear this or not, I’m going to spell it out here anyways: You ARE beautiful, and you should NEVER let anyone make you feel differently.