Am I where I’m supposed to be right now?
That is the one question that I’ve asked myself in recent years. I find myself looking at my high school friends and college classmates to see where they’re all at in life right now. They’re working full-time 9 to 5 jobs, have moved out on their own, are planning to get married (if they haven’t already), and/or starting a family.
Where am I? I’m working full-time as a freelancer, looking for an apartment, and have no desire to be in a relationship or have any kids. It’s certainly not how I’d imagine where I would be at my age. Far from it, in fact.
Sometimes I wonder if this is how it’s meant to be. I love freelancing because I work a lot with my own hours from home. But it can be relatively uneasy and can create a ton of stress. Also, people tend to look down on what I do. (I’ve even experienced this within my family.) This is arguably the biggest stressor in my life currently.
When I think about the above, I wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’ve never believed in fate, destiny, religion, horoscopes, or anything of the like. I’ve always believed logic and science for all my problems and issues. Yet this is one thing that logic and science can’t fix or address whatsoever. It makes my anxiety skyrocket whenever I dwell on it.
But then there’s the other side of things. When I think about my decision to not have a relationship and kids, I don’t fret. My anxiety isn’t even affected. In fact, I’m glad. Don’t get me wrong- I’m not shaming anyone who wants or has those things. I can’t say it enough- YOU DO YOU. But those things aren’t what I want in life, even if society insists that I need to have them in order to feel happy and fulfilled. I’d rather be a mom to a dog than a mom to a human being.
What I’ve come to realize in the last few months is that, while I’m not where I thought I’d be, I am where I want to be (for the most part). The life I’ve been making for myself is unorthodox and not what everyone would want for themselves. But it’s what I want. This is what makes me happy. I’ve come to realize that I need to live for myself instead of others.
So, am I where I want to be right now? For me, myself and I- I’m as close to it as I can possibly be. That’s all that matters to me at the end of the day.